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Lords Of Salem Review

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Apprehension has struck me huge time with this film. I enjoyed Rob Zombie’s self made films, however, was not too impressed with the Hallowe’en and it’s abysmal sequel. I also despised El superbeasto, in fact twice now, it has been turned off within 15 minutes or so.

Add to that, the almost universal pandering, and a plot that seems to combine that mid 1980s Rock N Roll/Heavy Metal horror sub genre, with the 1970s satanploitation, and ugh….. Hocus Pocus. All things I am not big fans of. Then Xbox live was screwing around with my credit card and trying to charge my expired one, then it even locked up on the confirm purchase screen 3 different times. Damn the gods of horror were trying to warn me, no doubt.

So we open with women that are supposedly naked, in ritual in colonial Salem, wearing obviously body suits with some dirt rubbed in…..not a good start. From there, we are treated to an all over nude shot of Sherri Moon, yet again our lead. UGH …tiresome.

This film seems to be confused if it is set in the 1970s or modern times and at points hints at both. Always welcome is Ken Foree, Sid Haig and a few other Rob Zombie staples, all in bit parts though. Zombie definitely likes to collect old school character actors and genre legends, which is always fun to watch. The lack of focus or even attempting to maintain which timeline this takes place in, got old very quickly, in fact I was getting more and more annoyed within the 1st fifteen minutes. Is this the fucking 1970s or 2010s …make up your fucking mind already.

Alright that aside, Sherri Moon, plays a part of a trio of popular radio DJ’s, alongside Ken Foree, in his best 1970s blaxploitation get up, whom stumble upon a mysterious, record and are compelled to play it on their late night show, after discussing the Salem witch trials with Bruce Davison. Then a series of boring but apparently strange things take place, all set against some very dark, and grainy imagery and some very awesome graveyard and outdoor shots.

Then more nothing, then inane dialogue, shitty dream sequence, that was surprise.. just a dream. Damn it why can’t this be over already…..Then Sherri Moon’s character turns in Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, and indulges in some good ol crack. Ok, now we throw in hints of the Shining…you know what Lords of Salem, I don’t fucking care no more, just end already…this is a lost cause….Wow the lame plot twist that was telegraphed in the 1st scene has just been revealed…damn this is hurting so much….what I could have done with this $5 besides watching this, I paid for torture. There is a lot of random Sherri Moon ass shots, which is nice, but that’s about it. Very little violence and a main character is dispatched pointlessly offscreen, making him completely unnecessary. Then is a floor show of sorts…holy hell please end!!!!!!!! More clear bad hallowe’en masks painted, cgi fucking rats….rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..fake goats omfg

Ok Rob Zombie is apparently done with horror because we don’t get it. Yeah we do, you had two good films, that were influenced heavily by a masterpiece, from there you killed a easy remake, made a god awful Ren and Stimpy clone, and threatened to make the Blob into a serial killer movie. Then there is this, some people are calling it the worst horror film ever, in which case I have to disagree. The most boring, pointless mess ever, okay maybe. Lost potential, sure I guess kind of. Uninspired, confused, pointlessly throwing badly done imagery in your face, dull drum. That is about as simplistic and positive as I can be.

Sad to see someone I admired so much, lost it so badly. I really wanted to love this film…..

RATING: F-(32%)

PROS: Great cast, great setting, great grindhouse feel.

CONS: Nothing really happens for about half the film or more, there is the way over use of the tired just a dream sequence, cliched, boring, disappointing even with lowest of expectations, Sid Haig’s role was cut from this, can’t decide if it takes place in 1975 or 2011, unlikeable characters, inane dialogue.

Sorry folks, I try not to swear, use internet speak, or be angry in my reviews but this film put me in a bad place. A boring. lame purgatory of shit. Rip offs galore and bad effects even…..okay enough of me I am sorry. And damn this has worst ending of all time.

* Next time, I’m going after the Silent Night, Deadly Night remake, and apparently it’s good.*


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