31 Films # 12 – Trip With The Teacher Review

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IMDB: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0070834/


Mill Creek, in your vast library of complete shit, severely cut versions and rough cuts, sometimes lays a complete gem. This is by no means a masterpiece, it’s kind of brainless, and tamer than you would think, but it’s entertaining and gets the job done well enough.

The Teacher, takes her class of usual horror film fodder women, on a day trip into a rural desert type area. There they run into a biker Al – played beautifully over the top by future Softcore Porn director Zalman King, and his cohorts, whom take them hostage and subject them to various degradations, humiliations and sexual assaults, inevitably ending in murder. Let’s face it, it’s in reality a tamer Last House on the Left clone, with Zalman King, playing a watered down, cheesier version of Krug.

This film is well paced, it is sleazy in the good 1970s way and our teacher is quite attractive. Zalman King is a great lead, and does not play it too seriously. This is another example of movie doritos, and it kills it’s relatively short run time well. Given it is part of a lot of Mill Creek packs, it is very cheap cost wise, and if you like the revenge genre spawned by Last House, you should enjoy this watered down clone.

RATING: B- (73%)

PROS: Zalman King is great, the teacher is very attractive, it’s decently paced, and the mains are likeable enough to be semi effective.

CONS: Little violence, is a very watered down Last House clone, some of actions of the victims are completely nonsensical in any form.


31 Films – # 7 Nekromantik

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IMDB: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093608/

Another re-watch. Also changing the name of this project, again, as is the annual tradition in this week, to 31 films.

Nekromantik, is part of the reason this blog was started, as was Singapore Sling. Since both movies left me feeling ripped off, and misinformed, since they were both pricey and claimed to be so graphic and disturbing, neither was either really, at least that much.

So, here are the gory details on this, oddity of a film, brought to us from our strange friends in Germany. Robert, our hero, using the term loosely, is a street sweeper. How ever, his particular company specializes in accident clean up and removal. And is there ever a ton of violent accidents in his town. Robert, becomes enthralled by a relatively well conditioned accident victim’s corpse, so he brings it home, for his girlfriend as a present. And gory, slimy and icky moments follow.

The gore in this, is pretty well done. This is a disturbing movie, for sure, for the squeamish, the easily offended, and non genre fans. However, most genre fans, might find this to be trying to hard, or even bored. The ummm sex scenes – ok threesome with corpse, are kind of well done, and do give it an icky feeling. There is also a random scene, showing the real life footage of a rabbit being skinned, over and over, which is inappropriate and stupid, played only for shock. A scene in the cemetary, has some ok gore at 1st, but falls flat quickly. The simple piano score in this film, that loops over and over, is strangely haunting and effective, but this film falls apart quickly, I just wanted it to end already. However, then came the ending, and I took my wish back. The ending is a special kind of gross, and painful to watch for us male folks. Damn though, is it ever creative.

In the end, it tries to hard to be shocking, but severely over does it and falls flat. Some of you may enjoy this even, it just dragged too much for my liking and it is very short even, has annoying characters and throws depravities in your face, in a failed attempt at shock

RATING: C(65%)

PROS: Some decent gore every now and then, some unintentionally hilarious moments, the score, however simple and repetitive, is very effective and sticks in your head.

CONS: hard to find a more unlikeable couple, some icky moments, the ending is over the top gross in the wrong way.

31 days 2014 – Day 1- Pieces Review

I was not going to do this, this year, since the last 2 months have taken their toll on my personal life.  Long story short, my wife of 17 years, met the 19 year old new neighbor and 1 week later I am kicked out, he is moved in and now they are getting married in November this year, having known each other 2 months now.  So I have lost a lot of passion in life in general.  As well, I`ll be honest, the views on this blog have been at an all time low, and continue to plummet, so maybe I will start this, see where it goes and if things don`t improve, or I am not into it, will cancel it flat out.

Enough of that though.

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IMDB:  http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082748/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Pieces has been on my must see list, well as long as I have had one really.  I have never got around to it though, since the prices of the different releases on this are so up and down, mostly up, I just passed on it.  I have a good feeling about this film, although I am walking into it, with an epically bad mood, hopefully this wont cloud my judgement or enjoyment of it.

First thought,  This has that awesome late 1970s and early 1980s exploitation look and feel to it.  I instantly have gotten a feel of Don`t Go in The House and it`s ilk.  So I may do very well with this.  After a relatively violent opening, I think we are going to get along just fine, this film and I.

Our film here opens, with a young boy putting together a puzzle of a topless pin up^, when his mother catches him and goes back shit fucking crazy on him over it, he responds to her lunacy with a nice axing to the face, and some saw action….go stuff here.  Oddly, there are offscreen killings in this.

The basics of this story are simple, done to death, horror cliched.  A masked killer is stalking a college and dispatching young ladies in various states of undress using a chainsaw.   He is accumulating body parts for a human puzzle of sorts,  with gory results.  There is the standard red herrings all over the place, some awful dialogue and bad acting, with shockingly sparse amounts of decent enough gore through out.  The mains are mostly unlikeable, and are normally quickly dispatched before they have the chance to become annoying.  The dark look of this, as aforementioned was a nice touch, but really was just a product of the time, not intentional.  There is a lot of lag in this, the emphasis on the police investigation was so painful for me, it took me out of it completely, several times.   Then there was an over long tennis match bit, by this point I was completely removed from this film.   I swear these 31 days are cursed, in the 62 films featured in it,  films I have not seen before have turned out to be awful, dull or just mediocre about 65 percent of the time, and if this is an indication, I am in for it again…  But moving on, the carefully guarded, twist, the big killer reveal, is completely predictable, in fact I figured it out, the 1st time the character was on screen.  By the 45 minute part I had to pause it and walk away for it, this was painful, I almost couldnt finish it.

So barely violent, mediocre gore, done to death plot, cliched to hell, and frequent moments of nothing at all, completely killed this for me.  I do not get the following and reputation this has.  It is boring to the Nth degree.  It picks up a bit in the final 30 minutes, but was far too little too late, And the telegraphed twist ending or reveal as one might say, completely killed any redeeming value.

Strong start for sure, but damn did this burnt out faster than I could have ever imagined.

RATING: 55% (D+)

PROS:  Decent beginning, some good gore, an elevator scene, although brief is fun.  There is an odd kung fu moment, that happens for, well nothing but was fun. Strange shock epilogue which was entertaining enough and well done.

CONS:  Boring to an art form, predictable in every sense, some offscreen violence, little gore, annoying mains.

Ilsa, The Wicked Warden Review

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IMDB: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0076112/?ref_=fn_al_tt_2


Trailer posted to Youtube by user CheezyFlicks

Caveat: Again the Cinema Snob reviewed something in the same time frame I did, last case was when I posted The Mutilator a week before, sure there is no connection but kind of cool fact though. Check out his review of it, I am doing a Josh Hadley here, and recommending something I have not yet seen, but sure it will be awesome as always.

Aww, Ilsa, so far you have been the commandant at a German prison camp, the Tigress of Siberia, and the Harem Keeper of the Oils Sheiks. All such wonderful, other the top cheese, nicely seasoned with some awesome display of your rather ample assets. So how could I possibly resist your final exploits? As a warden at a clinic for sexual deviant women, that is really a torture chamber…Yes Please.

Add in Jess Franco, this could be great.

I found this on Ebay, from South Korea, I have my doubts on how official this release is, it’s not from the set that went out of print years ago, and has a pretty generic menu and cover art. No special features either, well except Korean subtitles. However at only $7 including shipping and being the uncut run time, what do I lose?
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So now Ilsa is a redhead huh? Still played by the amazing Dyanne Thorne, whom yet again displays her amazing frame, in it’s full frontal glory, gratuitously. We are also introduced to her partner in crime, a very well endowed and extremely attractive inmate, Juana. Strangely similar to Wanda, Wanda the Wicked Warden, is an alternate title, so a misnomer perhaps in the same vein as Igor and the Lunatics.
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The plot opens with a rather easy escape of an inmate, well patient supposedly, but in reality inmate, thru the South American jungle. After she arrives wounded on a local doctor’s front step, he attempts to save her, but is interrupted by Ilsa and her cronies. After suspecting something is amiss and being turned down by his board to investigate the clinic, he meets the inmates sister, whom infiltrates the clinic Emmanuelle style.

Ok, this is not horror, but remember folks this was originally a horror and exploitation blog, so yeah.

There is an early scene in this, involving accupuncture for sexual purposes, that is pretty damn entertaining. There is a lot of nudity in this, and some light S&M. Of course a lot of shower scenes too, this is the cleanest prison ever, well inmate wise.

Of course, being an Ilsa film, there is simulated lady parts torture, but this time it’s completely offscreen and uses shock therapy and well, acid. The heated rod of doom in the initial film still holds up as the most brutal of it’s kind in the series. There is not a great deal of plot here, mostly a mash up of lesbian innuendo and softcore scenes.

Unlike it’s predecessors, there is a shockingly low amount of violence, and it’s pretty badly done, as Jess Franco tends to do.
There is an especially awful shooting scene, on par with Karate Girl’s famous now viral ending.

Still though, Dyanne lights up every scene, so awesomely over the top in her sadistic manners, and faux German accent. This was not made to be good, it’s more cinematic doritos. Much like doritos, while a lot of us love them, a lot more don’t.

RATING: B (75%)

PROS: Entertaining as hell, but also dumb as hell. Lot’s of well endowed nudity, Dyanne Thorne is perfectly over the top as always. Cinematic doritos of the Cool Ranch variety for me really.

CONS: Some awful camera work, most violence is offscreen. There is a slight side plot involving political prisoners and terrorism, and well snuff movies but it’s barely mentioned, and lends nothing to the plot. Some stock footage at the end in place of gore was lame.

This is the cover art for my copy, pretty sure this is a bootleg.
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